Really Old Man
by Hiei's Vampire Kitten
Summary: Solomon Moto is tired of these people sticking him in the hospital. So he decides to find a Millennium Item and become a crazy attacker. Getting an old lady's purse back turns him into a superhero. Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back... ON HOLD
1. Really Old Man!

Disclaimer: Marik: Sariah doesn't own Yu- Gi- Oh, which I wish I could say she did so she'd get sued and I'd be free!!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Sariah: Um... thanks.  
  
SIDE NOTE: This is going to be fun!! For me, anyway. But, I think you'll like it. Don't ask where I got this idea from; I don't even know. Well, read on.  
  
Solomon Moto returned from the hospital with his usual cheerful attitude. Yugi, his grandson, would have been there, greeting him cheerfully if he hadn't been dueling at the Battle City finals right then. But was Solomon Moto cheerful? Not really.  
  
You see, he was sick and tired of something. This was the third time this month that he'd been put in the hospital. First it was Kaiba's doing, and then it was Pegasus, and then Bakura, of all people. Well, with that one, it turned out it wasn't Bakura, but some evil spirit of the Millennium Ring or something like that. But did it matter who did it to him? Not really.  
  
The point that I'm trying to make is this: Solomon Moto was sick and tired of being put in the hospital. Who cared if he was an old man?! He was spry! He was still alive and kicking! He could go out to night clubs like the rest of these young people and dance 'till he was... ow, my back! Well, you get the point.  
  
'Truth is, I'm not young anymore,' he thought sadly. 'But you'd think I'd get a senior discount on the power of these Millennium Item things. Haven't they ever heard of respecting your elders?! Well, okay, so the Millennium Ring guy is older than me, but, still!'  
  
"Sir! Wait, sir!" a nurse came running out to him. "You're not ready to leave yet, sir."  
  
"Oh, yes I am!" Solomon told her.  
  
"But, sir..."  
  
"Now, now, no buts! I'm leaving and that's final!" Solomon then turned and continued walking down the street, leaving the poor nurse confused.  
  
'Young people these days underestimate the old people,' Solomon thought. He was back at his game shop, sweeping the front of the store. 'For instance, they took off my favorite "Kung- Fu Granny" marathons every Saturday night. And what about, "My Life as a Secret Agent: Log of an Eighty- Year- Old Man"? I loved that book.'  
  
He sighed and watched a few people running towards Duke Devlin's new game shop across the street. Not many people went to Solomon's shop anymore. They all went to Duke Devlin's big, fancy expensive shop. Why? Not because it was big, fancy and expensive. No. The shop was run by a high- school student. Not an old man.  
  
"I've had it, I tell you!" he yelled out, making several people nearby jump. "These young people think they can do whatever they want! Well, not anymore, I tell you! It's time an old man took some action!"  
  
Solomon closed up early. Then he began rummaging around in his attic for things. Pieces of cloth, tools, screws, nuts, bolts, wires, grappling hooks, rope, rubber, and even chewing gum entered his collection of junk piled into his arms. Then he set straight to work.  
  
After a few hours, he leapt outside, wearing only a belt and his underwear. Someone screamed and a car crashed nearby.  
  
"No, that doesn't work... back inside..."  
  
After a few more hours, he leapt outside, wearing his underwear, a belt, a helmet, and a pair of purple and orange socks. A lady covered her child's eyes and slowly walked away.  
  
"No, never mind... back inside again..."  
  
After several more hours, he leapt outside again, wearing a pink leotard, a belt, a helmet, a red and yellow mask, a pair of white gloves, a pair of running shoes, and a shirt that said: I Love Senior Citizens. He stood there a few seconds, but nothing happened.  
  
"It's perfect!"  
  
He walked down along the street, finding duelists everywhere he went. But he didn't notice most of them. His first stop was to find a Millennium Item that could steal souls. Then, he wished to be the crazy old man who attacked Seto Kaiba and Maximillion Pegasus, not to mention some albino kid that no one new.  
  
"Help! Help me! He's got my purse!" An old woman screamed as a guy in a ski mask made off with her purse. Solomon sighed.  
  
"Well, might as well see if I still got it," he ran to the guy in the ski mask and ran backwards in front of him.  
  
"Out of my way, old man!"  
  
Solomon punched him in the face. "Yup; I still got it!"  
  
The old lady came to retrieve her purse. "Oh, thank you, kind superhero! What do you call yourself?"  
  
"Superhero? Oh no, you have me confused..." then Solomon stopped and thought about this. Instead of getting revenge on three people, he could put justice to all the unjust acts towards old people! Yup; that sounded like a better plan. He could still get back at Kaiba, Pegasus, and Bakura anyway. Yup; that worked.  
  
"I am, uh... I am... hmm... who am I? Oh! I am... Really Old Man! AWAY! Ow, my back..."  
  
"Thank you... Really Old Man," the old lady shook her head. "Superheroes these days..."  
  
So, he ditched his earlier plan of getting revenge and then being done with it. Now he was going to get revenge AND help other old people! Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back...  
  
SIDE NOTE: Um... yeah; see, you don't wanna ask about that. Who knows what was running through my head when I decided to write this. Yeah, so, if you don't like it, then that's understandable, 'cause I was just bored and wanted to post up something new... yeah. If you'd review, though, I'd appreciate that. Thanks. Ta! 


	2. BINGO!

Disclaimer: Actually, I don't own Yu- Gi- Oh. But I do own Solomon Moto's superhero identity!  
  
SIDE NOTE: Wow... I actually own something! Well, then; seeing as I'm in an exceptionally weird mood today, I will continue this fic. And you are quite right, Red Roses; it is NOT like my other ones. ^_^ Well, I thank those who reviewed; I didn't expect this fic to really get any. On to the fic!!!  
  
'Alright! I'll just get down to the finals, and... oh, bingo!'  
  
Ah, yes. Bingo. The old people's game. For Really Old Man, this was something he just couldn't miss. But he had to get to the finals!  
  
"Must... resist... bingo... tournament!"  
  
"Oh, it's you again, mister superhero," the kindly old lady he had helped before shuffled up to him. "Are you going to join us for a little bingo? The prize is a shuffleboard set."  
  
That shuffleboard set was tempting. But every superhero cannot let anything distract him! Every superhero had a goal to achieve, and they would achieve it! Every superhero was completely, entirely, without- a- doubt focused!  
  
"Shuffleboard?! Count me in!" Alright, well, every superhero has weakness too. So Really Old Man went to play bingo.  
  
"B- 4."  
  
"BINGO! Oh, wait, never mind..."  
  
"I- 18."  
  
"BINGO! No, no, never mind..."  
  
This went on for a while. From G- 24 to B- 10. By that time, our hero realized that he really WOULD win this bingo tournament!  
  
All of a sudden, there was a crash! Bingo cards went flying everywhere! Panic ensued in the bingo hall!  
  
"Don't worry, people; settle down," said the official. "We'll just restart the game; nothing to worry about..."  
  
"Restart the game?!" Really Old Man shot up in his seat. "That just isn't right! Someone must find out what caused all of this! Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back..."  
  
Of course, we all know that our hero was only angry because he was about to win. But he was still HEROICLY ANGRY!  
  
Dashing outside, Really Old Man discovered that a student driver was terrorizing the town! Not only that, but-dare I say it-he was failing his driver's test! This was just too much to bear!  
  
Really Old Man walked across the crosswalk, he being such a good pedestrian and all. The student driver nearly ran him over, and then he stepped out of the car to shout at our hero.  
  
"Hey! Old man! You're messing up my driver's test!"  
  
"That's REALLY Old Man to you!" Really Old Man shook his fist at the rude young man. "You should learn to respect your elders!" He paused and thought. "And pedestrians!" he added. "But that isn't the point! The point is, you ruined a perfectly good bingo competition, young man; and THAT is all a part of RESPECTING YOUR ELDERS!"  
  
"Yeah!" an old man in a wheelchair shook his fist. "And you're terrorizing the town-that's full of old people!"  
  
"EXACTLY!" Really Old Man thrust his fist into the air. "But most importantly-I was about to win that bingo competition!"  
  
All around him, old people fell on the ground (in anime style of course).  
  
"Prepare to get disciplined!" Really Old Man ran towards the student driver. Then he ran past him to the phone. He picked it up.  
  
The student driver started to run towards the phone. "I know what you're about to do!"  
  
"Not one more step! Or I'll dial!"  
  
The kid stopped. "Don't do it! You're making a huge mistake!"  
  
"No, young man! You made the mistake by ruining that bingo competition! Now you're going to pay for it!" he narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to call your MOTHER!"  
  
Really Old Man dialed the first number. The boy cringed. The second number was dialed! Then the third! Now the young man was on his knees! Finally, the rest of the number became punched in, and...  
  
"Hello? Is your son a student driver? Yes? Well, then; I would like to report that he's caused quite a lot of havoc here in the city; destroyed quite a few things and ruined a bingo competition. You might want to have a talk with him when he gets home. You're very welcome, ma'am. Good- bye."  
  
He hung up. Then he walked to the student driver. "I hope you've learned a lesson from this, young man."  
  
The kid looked up. "Yes, I have. You're a very formidable opponent."  
  
Really Old Man turned around. "I know. Now, I must be off! I have a bingo competition to win! Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back..."  
  
SIDE NOTE: Um... yeah. This was just as weird as the last chapter... maybe a little... weirder. Um, yeah. I, uh... hope you... enjoyed reading it... yeah. Please... review. Um. 


	3. Really Old Woman!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu- Gi- Oh, or Solomon Moto. I do, however, own his secret identity of REALLY OLD MAN!  
  
SIDE NOTE: Well, I haven't updated this little baby in a while, so I thought I should. Really Old Man could be a comic book character, couldn't he?  
  
Our hero had just won the bingo competition as was walking away proudly with his shuffleboard set. Now he could focus on getting to the Battle City finals! At least... that's what he SHOULD have been doing. Oh, if only he hadn't spied that old chick walking around in tights. It wasn't pretty...  
  
"Whoa! Hot mama!" Ooookaaayyy, yes, heroes have flaws... in this case, our hero has BAD taste in women. I mean, honestly, even I, the female narrator can tell a pretty woman from an ugly one! And MY GOSH this woman was ugly! She's SO ugly, I don't even want to DESCRIBE this horrible- looking creature! Ugh, I think I'm going to hurl...! Uh... back to our hero (who is in desperate need of glasses). He waltzed over to the, uh, lovely old lady. "Hey there, toots!"  
  
"Oh, my!" the old woman looked surprised (I mean, honestly, she probably doesn't get ANY guys walking over to her OR calling her a hot mama, except for our BLIND hero over here). "What a handsome man you are! I like you..."  
  
"What do you say to some lunch and a game of shuffleboard?" our hero proudly showed her his new shuffleboard set. "I won it in a bingo tournament."  
  
"Ooh, smart AND good- looking! I would be glad to go to lunch with you!"  
  
So, he took the old lady to lunch. But, little did our hero know that this horrendous- looking beast was actually Really Old Woman, the most evil old lady in the world! So, even as she sat in front of our hero, looking immensely grotesque, he still could not realize that she was plotting, scheming ever- so- evilly to... take his shuffleboard set?! Oh, come ON! What kind of story am I narrating here?! What kind of really evil villain, with a GENIUS criminal mind and a DISGUSTING profile wants to steal a lousy shuffleboard set?! Oi...  
  
ANYWAY, since I'm paid good money to narrate this, our hero just ate lunch without knowing that the evil old lady was going to steal his shuffleboard set. After lunch, however, he realized her plan!  
  
"Okay, sugar, let's play shuffleboard!" Maybe not... well, she'll make her plans known soon enough.  
  
"Of course! Just take it out and we'll start!" So, Really Old Man prepared to take out his shuffleboard set, COMPLETELY aware of her plan!  
  
"Okay!" our hero just took out the shuffleboard set and handed it to her. Wait, WHAT?! WHAT KIND OF MORON IS OUR HERO, ANYWAY?!  
  
Really Old Woman laughed evilly. "Bwahaha! Thank you, kind man! Now I will run off with your shuffleboard set! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!"  
  
Our hero gasped. "What?"  
  
"You fool! I've been tricking you all along! My plan was ALWAYS to steal your shuffleboard set! BWAHAHA!"  
  
Our hero gasped again. "Oh no! You're evil AND gorgeous! I knew it was too good to be true!" I think our hero was high on something when he said that. There's no way that UGLY THING could have been GORGEOUS.  
  
"Alright, narrator, I've heard enough out of you! You should learn to respect your elders!"  
  
Well, I don't like you! Your horrendousness is making my eyes bleed!  
  
"I'm not ugly! Come on, tell her, darling, I'm not ugly am I?"  
  
"There's nothing uglier than evil! But you aren't THAT ugly!"  
  
Are you kidding?! SHE IS THAT UGLY!  
  
"I am not!"  
  
Okay, you shouldn't be arguing with the narrator anyway! You're totally ruining the story, and you're screwing up all my narration! GET BACK TO THE STORY!  
  
Ahem. ANYWAY, our hero comes up with a plan.  
  
"I do?"  
  
Yes, you do! Read the script and stop talking to me, you idiot!  
  
Our hero reads the script, and THEN he comes up with a plan. "Alright, Really Old Woman! I, Really Old Man will play one game of shuffleboard with you! If I win, I take back my shuffleboard set, and you'll go to jail for being evil!"  
  
"Fine. If I win, I not only get your shuffleboard set, but I also get to beat up the narrator!"  
  
TRY IT, Sasquatch! I can beat YOU up with my hands tied behind my back!  
  
"You're on!"  
  
AHEM! OUR HERO AND THE EVIL VILLAIN BEGIN TO PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD!  
  
"Oh, right..."  
  
Anyway, now they're playing shuffleboard. Since the author of this story has no idea how shuffleboard is played, or even what in blazes it is, I will skip the long and exciting old person's game and tell you what you all expected to hear: our hero defeated the evil villain.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Good always triumphs over evil in a comic book! This is BASED on comic books! You're such an idiot!  
  
"No matter!" Really Old Woman laughs evilly. "I will STILL run off with the shuffleboard set! After all, I am evil!"  
  
"Stop her, narrator!"  
  
Huh? I, the narrator am now looking at our hero like he is insane. I'm the freaking narrator! I don't chase after evil villains! Narrators do not have physical forms! All they do is talk! And tell people what's going on! That's it!  
  
"But I'm too scared..."  
  
Oi. Our hero is such a wimp. Well, I still have no physical form, so our hero will just have to save the day by himself. After all he DID save the town from a dangerous student driver AND he won a bingo competition.  
  
Our hero smiles. "Well, that's true. Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back..."  
  
Our hero chases after the evil villain (not before calling the cops, of course). He soon catches up with her and he has her cornered!  
  
"It's over, Really Old Woman! You lose!"  
  
"What? But I thought you were too scared to chase me!"  
  
"I was, but then the narrator called me a wimp."  
  
"Against everyone now, aren't you?"  
  
The narrator has no comment.  
  
Really Old Man shrugged. "Anyway, the cops are here, so you should be arrested, now."  
  
"Fine. I have nothing better to do, anyway," Really Old Woman lets the cops arrest her. Sheesh. Some ending. No heroism?  
  
"Nope. You ruined it for everyone when you said good always triumphs over evil."  
  
Oh, thanks, blame ME. Well, another good deed is done. Find out what happens in the next chapter of... Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back...  
  
SIDE NOTE: Heheheheh... guess I got kind of obsessed with the narrator being included in here. I was entertained, though, with the characters arguing with the narrator and all. Well, hope you liked it! Please review! 


	4. Invincible Guy!

**Disclaimer and notes: Teehee…I love this story! Too bad I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh…cuz I could put this in as episodes…teehee! It's so funny! Well, I'm updating everything tonight, so here you go! Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back…**

We join our hero in a cappuccino bar. He is drowning his sorrows in coffee because he just had to hand over the only woman he ever loved to the cops. Personally, I say, GOOD RIDDANCE! But I am not our hero. So our hero is depressed.

"Oh, I'm SO DEPRESSED!" He sniffled once and then stood up triumphantly. "But I mustn't lose sight of my goal! I am going to be the mad person who attacks Seto Kaiba, Maximillion Pegasus, and a random kid! Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back…" So, our hero exits the cappuccino bar and proudly struts off to the tournament. He is really, really, really focused on his goal, but then…oi.

"Aaaahhh! Help me, help me!" An old woman screams. Thankfully, this one is neither evil nor ugly. She is actually being attacked by a man in black spandex! OH NO! NOT SPANDEX!

"Halt, evildoer!" Really Old Man shouts, springing in front of the man in spandex. The guy flexes his pecs.

"Move out of the way, old man!" the guy shouts. "For I am Invincible Guy! You cannot harm me! Especially since you are old!"

"That's REALLY Old Man to you, youngster!" shouts Really Old Man. "And I happen to be a superhero! And superheroes always triumph over evildoers!"

"What a load of rubbish!" says Invincible Guy. "When the villain is this muscular? He _has_ to win! So, I win!"

"No, I win!"

"No, I win!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"…you!"

"YOU!...Oh, darn it! You tricked me!" Well, I thought that would never end. "You win for now, Really Old Man! But I will be back! You haven't heard the last of Invincible Guy!" He ran off. Five minutes later, our hero meets up with him again.

"What? So soon?"

Eh, it's a low-budget story. Anyway, Invincible Guy is back and he wants to fight our hero! Our hero accepts the challenge, because he is a hero…! Plus also he is a crazy guy who's going to attack Seto Kaiba, Maximillion Pegasus, and a random kid. But that's not the point.

So, our hero and Invincible Guy engage in battle! It's very long and epic and battle-rific…but I don't care. Soon, Invincible Guy is revealed to be nothing but a spoiled little child crying out for attention.

"You're kidding!" cries Really Old Man. "Well, I guess there's only one way to deal with you, then."

"No! You can't mean…! Please, no!" pleads the kid.

"YES! You, young man, are getting a SPANKING!" Really Old Man triumphantly spanks the villain and sends him running home to his mommy. The day is saved! All thanks to…Really Old Man, AWAY! Ow, my back…

**Um…that was dumb, but I don't care. I had fun writing it. I hope you guys all like it, too. Please review!**


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